In December 2024, an episode of the reality series The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City featured the adult bat mitzvah of cast member Meredith Marks. JWA spoke with Rabbi Ruth Abusch-Magder, who officiated the ceremony and prepared Marks for the occasion. 

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

JWA: What do you do when you're not on reality TV?

Rabbi Ruth Abusch-Magder: I live in Atlanta, and I serve a small pulpit in Pinehurst, North Carolina. Most of my rabbinate these days is around doing outreach and bar and bat mitzvahs for people who are not connected to the mainstream part of the Jewish community. 

JWA: What are some examples of that?

RAM: I did a bar mitzvah for the son of an immigrant family from South America. We did a really beautiful ceremony in English, Hebrew, and Spanish; all the speeches were in Spanish. I’ve also done a lot of b’nei Mitzvah for interfaith families, which I love doing for all kinds of reasons—among them is that I love being able to help families figure out what the ritual should look like, which is a very individual process for each of them. I do b’nei Mitzvah on boats, at country clubs—I go places where people don't always go. 

The Jewish community always has people that we end up marginalizing, intentionally or unintentionally. In the past, that's been women, and it continues to be, but today, it's often families who don't fit the mold. Some just have a different set of considerations and priorities for their children, others are interfaith—there’s lots of reasons. When I do this work, it's a chance to do outreach within our community and help people figure out what Judaism should look like in their lives.

JWA: So, how did you get involved with Meredith’s bat mitzvah?

RAM: I was recommended by another rabbi who had been reached out to online. He suggested me as someone who seemed like a good fit. I was really thrilled that they were using a female rabbi on a show that focuses so much on women. It worked out really nicely.

JWA: You talked about how much tailoring you do of the service, and the process, to each individual you work with. What was the process of figuring out what Meredith's bat mitzvah was going to look like?

RAM: In many ways, it was a full, fairly traditional service, but the guiding principle was being in conversation with Meredith. She was scared about reading Torah and learning Hebrew, as we saw in the show, but she really wanted to do it. So in our meetings, we went through the service and we made sure that she learned some of the major prayers. Some of them she already knew. She's a very smart woman and very capable. 

I tried very hard to make sure that she was working with content that resonated with her and that would help her bring Judaism into her own life. For example, she's a big advocate for gay rights, and she often uses her platform to champion this cause. Because of her advocacy, I had a gay activist in our community record the Torah portion for her.

JWA: What was her Torah portion?

RAM: We had to play a little bit with that, because we didn't know when it would air. We chose a Torah portion in the Joseph cycle, because one modern interpretation of Joseph is that he is a gay man who is trying to navigate the differences that make him stand out in his family, and pose challenges for him when he gets to Egypt. But at the same time, he's a leader. In her d’var Torah, which we didn't hear very much of on the recording, she talked about some of those ideas. We used the wonderful book Torah Queeries for a lot of inspiration.

JWA: I'm assuming a lot of guests weren't familiar with what happens at a bat mitzvah. How did you prepare for that? 

RAM: I do that pretty naturally at this point, because most of my career has been doing outreach, helping people who've been marginalized in one way or another navigate Judaism, and working with communities that don’t have a set tradition. Whenever I officiate a bar or bat mitzvah, I always make sure to narrate what we're doing and why, because even Jews don't always have such a great grasp on it. It draws people into the service and helps them participate. People were lovely about it.

JWA: On a similar note, did you have to adjust anything, or make any special preparations, knowing that this was going to be on TV?

RAM: No—they were really clear with me to just do my thing. I’m not a good actress, so I just did me!

JWA: Did you get to talk to any of the other cast members?

RAM: Yes. I had such sweet, meaningful conversations about religion and God with the main housewives and with their husbands. It was a lovely and powerful experience. They really appreciated what had happened, and they also talked to me about their own backgrounds. I ended up talking to one of the husbands about the challenges of raising children, and the question of how much faith or tradition you bring to that. I also got to know Meredith’s family and see how much they cared about her and how meaningful this was for them, especially her husband. I was glad to be able to help them all be a part of a meaningful Jewish experience.

I wasn't very familiar with the franchise before I got involved, but one of the things I learned and appreciated about it is that it’s entertainment, but also brings in real, critical issues that many people deal with. Many of us have complicated relationships with the traditions we grew up with and the communities we belong to. The cast members also work through complicated family dynamics like divorce and addiction. People come for entertainment, but they also have a chance to broaden their perspective.

JWA: You mentioned being at the reception after the service. I have to ask: Were you there when Angie was escorted out?

RAM: If I was, certainly I did not see any of it. I figure that must have happened after I left.

JWA: Meredith discussed this a little on the show, but did she talk to you about why she decided to have a bat mitzvah at this period in her life?

RAM: From where Meredith sits, this has been a very difficult year for being Jewish publicly, and she really felt strongly about highlighting her identity. She has used her platform on the series as a tool for activism in the past, and this is personally and spiritually important to her. This is a moment where people are talking very openly about the negative elements of what they perceive Jews to be, but she was stepping forward and showing people something else. I thought it was really brave of her. It's hard enough to stand up and read Torah in front of your friends and family, let alone in front of such a large audience! I was very impressed. She did a great job, and it was a real honor to be a part of it.

Some people have asked me, “Did she convert? Was she not Jewish?” But the truth is, we’re not static. There's a lot of reasons people don't have  b’nei mitzvah when they're younger. But whenever somebody is ready to step in, we as a community should be ready to welcome them and celebrate with them. That's what rabbis ought to be able to do—help people move forward in their Jewish journeys. It's especially important because we're still in the time period where a lot of Jewish women didn't have a chance to have a bat mitzvah because it wasn't an option when they were growing up.