I so agree with you that you can choose your name, and that is what defines feminism to me. Choice.
After a short marriage in the mid-80's, one in which I hyphenated my last name, I went back to my "maiden" name. This experience made me realize how important my name was to me. I made a vow never to change it again.
And then I met the man I was meant to be with, my "bershecht." After we became engaged, I mentioned that I would keep my own name. He was a feminist sort of guy and I never believed he would give a second thought to this pronouncement. I was wrong. He stressed that he wanted to have one family name for us and our future children. My easy going fiance, amenable to most anything I suggested, really had a problem with this. We argued for three days about it. When I finally decided to let go of this, realizing that he was more important to me than my name, it was like the light finally went on.
My husband's mother died when he was only eight days old. He grew up in a foster home, the same one all his life. And he called his foster mother "mom." But his name was different than that of his foster mother, father and sister. I never knew this bothered him. And I was so busy holding onto my own name, that I never considered this until the struggle was over.
I asked him if this was the root of his wanting me to take his last name. "Yes" he said and then told me how as a young boy he was often asked why his name was different than the rest of his family's and how much he dreaded that question. He said that it was hard to admit that he was "only" their foster child, and not their "real" child. He grew up feeling "less than." He wanted his children to feel nothing "less than" fully belonging, without ever a question raised.
With that information, it was so easy to give up my last name.
And so twenty two years ago, I changed what I thought I never would. And I can tell you with all my heart that when I took my husband's name it was my choice, my pleasure, and it was my joy.
I so agree with you that you can choose your name, and that is what defines feminism to me. Choice.
After a short marriage in the mid-80's, one in which I hyphenated my last name, I went back to my "maiden" name. This experience made me realize how important my name was to me. I made a vow never to change it again.
And then I met the man I was meant to be with, my "bershecht." After we became engaged, I mentioned that I would keep my own name. He was a feminist sort of guy and I never believed he would give a second thought to this pronouncement. I was wrong. He stressed that he wanted to have one family name for us and our future children. My easy going fiance, amenable to most anything I suggested, really had a problem with this. We argued for three days about it. When I finally decided to let go of this, realizing that he was more important to me than my name, it was like the light finally went on.
My husband's mother died when he was only eight days old. He grew up in a foster home, the same one all his life. And he called his foster mother "mom." But his name was different than that of his foster mother, father and sister. I never knew this bothered him. And I was so busy holding onto my own name, that I never considered this until the struggle was over.
I asked him if this was the root of his wanting me to take his last name. "Yes" he said and then told me how as a young boy he was often asked why his name was different than the rest of his family's and how much he dreaded that question. He said that it was hard to admit that he was "only" their foster child, and not their "real" child. He grew up feeling "less than." He wanted his children to feel nothing "less than" fully belonging, without ever a question raised.
With that information, it was so easy to give up my last name.
And so twenty two years ago, I changed what I thought I never would. And I can tell you with all my heart that when I took my husband's name it was my choice, my pleasure, and it was my joy.